Men & Women
A Dog Takes A Walk
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and to ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and rubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of the problem. You can go now but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas halfway around the block and another dog is pushing her home."
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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, a big watch and jeans and combat boots.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Jim, retired Army Helicopter Pilot from Sherman, Texas. Up in Grayson County'.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
This explains everything. Now I understand!
Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of
a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened
again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno "
Enjoy life...................it has an expiration date!
After the honeymoon and four letter words
Please excuse the four letter words in the following story
I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home.., "PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...
I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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This is what happens when you hire an engineer to fix a production problem!!!
Sometimes it's better to look within your own organization at the workers level for solutions . . .
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up; people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over “every time the bell rang”.
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches cold.
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Hillary Clinton and the Pope
Hillary Rodham Clinton and the Pope are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her
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Jar and 2 cups of tea
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of tea...
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand f filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes”.
The professor then produced two cups of tea from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided”, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions --things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued”, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."
Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired - what is the tea? The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of tea with a friend."
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A Good Old Blonde Story
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home’ The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable. '
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable? '
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly .... 'com-for-da-bul.’
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Women Are Clever
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us
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Best Lawyer Story Every
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
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Why Monkeys are so Happy
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose
combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial
boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a
strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit
with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.
can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and
conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering
from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is
because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts
into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally
make you feel happier.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and
avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at wor k leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit!
Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
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A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a SF 49er football jersey and helmet and is festooned with 49er pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey, no pets are allowed! You'll have to leave".
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game". After securing the promise that the dog will behave, and warning that he and the dog will be tossed if there's any trouble, the bartender allows them to stay.
The big game begins with the Niners receiving the kickoff. They march down the field but get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog jumps on the bar and begins to walk up and down the bar high five-ing everyone.
The bartender says, "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does he do if they score a TD?
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years"!
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Hillary's First Night as President
In January 2009 Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "
Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
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Hillary's New Indian Name
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, and how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
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Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." - Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." - Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" - Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."
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Hillary & Bill
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,
"Who is this?"
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Leading Talk Show Hosts' Comments:
"Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book." - David Letterman
"I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas and then I got to page two." -Craig Kilborn
"Former President Clinton is everywhere right now. Earlier today OprahWinfrey asked Bill Clinton if he has talked to Monica Lewinsky since the affair. Clinton responded, 'Are you kidding? I didn't talk to her during the affair.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Bill Clinton's autobiography came out today. It's based on a true story." - Jay Leno
"How many of you folks purchased a copy of 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. It was in the book stores yesterday and it was a great day for Bill. The first day out he sold 1,500 books and he got 6 phone numbers." - David Letterman
"I loved it when Bill Clinton told Dan Rather the worst day of his life was the day he told Hillary the truth. Well, of course, it was. The first time you try anything it's always going to be difficult." - Jay Leno
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St. Peter and Bill Clinton
A member of the Democratic Party, recently deceased, approached the Pearly Gates. After exchanging pleasantries with St. Peter, he asked him what all those clocks in the room were for. Peter said there was one clock for each human being living on earth, and they represented the amount of time each person had left to live on earth.
The deceased noticed that some clocks ran faster than others, and asked Peter why some clock hands were moving faster than others. Peter replied that when someone tells a lie, the hands will move faster thus shortening the life span of that particular liar.
The deceased wondered where Bill Clinton's clock was located. Peter said he keeps that one in the back room, and uses it as a ceiling fan.
Bill Clinton's Driver
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19-year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".
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I Miss Bill Clinton
Recently, there was a show on Canadian TV in which a black comedian said he missed Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" he said. "He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as president.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked dope. and
Number 3 - He slept with ugly white women.
"Even now - Look at him. His wife works and he don't; and he gets a check from the government every month.
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A Blonde Guy
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating
and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4 year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down, runs upstairs, storms into the bedroom past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotton SOB," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"
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A Blonde Enters A Store
blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I
would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have
And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows"!!!!
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A Blond Cajun
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.........."I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
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The Ethnicity of Jesus
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his
Mother was sure he was God.
He was bilingual.
His first name was Jesus.
The authorities were always harassing him.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.
He called everybody "brother'.
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.
He had to feed a crowd, at a moment notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the Message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do!
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The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom can do anything
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot.
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother, She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman, She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more.
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The World Is Changed When
The world's best rapper is a white guy;
The world's best golfer is a black guy;
The French accuse the Americans of arrogance;
The Germans refuse to go to war;
And the Swiss win the world cup for sailing.
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A Blonde Goes Ice Fishing
blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
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Three Blondes Died
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with his disciples when Judas betrayed him, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder." "Very good!" exclaimed St. Peter.
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted.
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On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
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The top 50 Oxymoron!
50. Act Naturally
49. Found Missing
48. Resident Alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine Imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good Grief
43. Same Difference
42. Almost Exactly
40. Sanitary Landfill
39. Alone Together
38. Legally Drunk
37. Silent Scream
36. British Fashion
35. Living Dead
34. Small Crowd
33. Business Ethics
32. Soft Rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software Documentation
28. New York Culture
27. Extinct Life
26. Sweet Sorrow
24. "Now, Then..."
23. Synthetic Natural Gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive Aggression
20. Taped Live
19. Clearly Misunderstood
18. Peace Force
17. New Classic
16. Temporary Tax Increase
15. French Bravery
14. Plastic Glasses
13. Terribly Pleased
12. Computer Security
11. Political Science
10. Tight Slacks
9. Definite Maybe
8. Pretty Ugly
7.Twelve-Ounce Pound Cake
6. Diet Ice Cream
5. Rap Music
4. Working Vacation
3. Exact Estimate
2. Religious Tolerance
And the Number One Top Oxymoron.
1. Microsoft Works
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A man age 85, and a woman age 81 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they see a drugstore. They go in and he addresses the man behind the counter:
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do" the pharmacist answered.
"How about medicine for circulation and rheumatism?"
"All kinds," replied the pharmacist.
"How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."?"
"Do you have medicine for memory; carry vitamins and sleeping pills?"
"Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
It was the night before Christmas and a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the darkened room to snatch the presents under the tree. He froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
"The same idiot," replied the parrot, "who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
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Talking Dog for Sale
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff"
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A Civil Engineer Dies
A Civil Engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier (without his eye glasses) and says, "Ah, you're a Civil Engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "You send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right - and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A Point Of View
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all of these things, Then you are probably the family dog.
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On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
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Paddy Vs Saddan
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" - "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." - Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missiles. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the morning', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners!"
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The Texan Vs The Irishman
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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Men vs. Women
NAMES - If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT - When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though the bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. (A man would not be able to identify most of these items.)
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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The Best Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, ' I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything is numbered.'
The second responds, ' Yes, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimed in: 'You know, I like working on construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no spine, no heart and the head and the ass are
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New Raiders Quarterback
Davis finally puts together the perfect Raiders team for the year 200?.
The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he
couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Israel . In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a
young soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200
yards away--ka-boom! He threw
another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards
away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye!
Right into the barely open window. "I've
got to get this guy," Al says to himself.
"He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders
go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is lionized as the Great Hero of
Super Bowl XXXX, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to
do is to call his mother.
the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.
"You deserted us. You're
not my son."
don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads.
"I just won the greatest sporting event in the world.
I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
let me tell you," the mother implores.
"At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and
this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, in tears, then continues, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
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The Cats: George and Dexter
Several years ago, new neighbors moved into the house next door to us. They had two full grown cats – one small black and white cat named George and a very large black cat named Dexter.
Within a few days George had completely checked out the neighborhood and made friends with all the people and other cats. Since the people George lived with worked all day, George was lonesome during the day. Therefore, he decided it was fun to wander around the inside of our house, demand food and sleep on our couch for a few hours each week. Needless to say George was a very neat and smart cat.
Dexter, on the other hand, was a mental mess when he first moved into the house next door. He spent the first few weeks secluded in a closet. It then took him several weeks to check out the inside of his house. After three months Dexter was able to spend a few minutes each day outside of the house. It was over six months after he moved in before I met Dexter. After a few more months Dexter had figured out the neighborhood and was stealing food from all the other cats. It turned out that Dexter was really a big mean bully. I liked Dexter and he and I became very good friends. I would not feed him until he did tricks for me. After over a year I found that Dexter was a very neat and smart cat.
This true story clearly illustrates the point that all cats are not alike. Just like people, some cats like and enjoy change while others are afraid of change and are forced to adjust. The question is "are you a George or a Dexter?"
I would like to be George; however, to be honest, the facts indicate that I am part George and part Dexter. Ed Wilson, 1999
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The Dog and the Lawyer
A dog runs into a butcher's shop, grabs a string of sausages and runs back out again. The irate butcher recognizes the dog as belonging to one of his regular customers, a lawyer, so that afternoon he goes to the lawyer's office and says to the lawyer "If a dog steals meat from my store, do I have the right to demand payment from the dog's owner?" The lawyer replies "Yes, absolutely." "Well," says the butcher, "you owe me $5 for the sausages your dog stole this morning." The lawyer sighs and writes out a check for $5. A week later the butcher receives an envelope from the lawyer containing a bill for $20 for consultation.
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The Blonde and the Lawyer
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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The Best Beer Drinking Story Ever
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy".
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My name is Ed. Driving to my office this morning on California on Interstate 5 near Laguna Woods, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup.
I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand.
In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned me - ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!
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Women Are Mean
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are MEAN. Don't mess with them
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A Soldier Died Today
He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Club,
Telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.
And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.
He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.
He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.
Then politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?
The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.
While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.
It's so easy to forget them,
For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
Went to battle, but we know,
It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?
Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.
He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.
If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simply headline
In the paper that might say:
"Our Country is in Mourning,
A Soldier Died Today."
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A Blond and Her Car
Norman and his blond wife live in Seeley Lake, Montana. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through. Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park........." then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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